she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
