we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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