in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
