I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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