I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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