well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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