she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
