I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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