we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
