my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
