all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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