My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
