I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he high fived his dick after we had sex
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
