I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize