i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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