do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
