So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
