He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
