A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize