He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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