none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
