We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
