You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
