Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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