So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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