PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
