we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Where is the hickey?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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