After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
