So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
