Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
