he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
