All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
