you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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