I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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