Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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