Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize