im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
