2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
