I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
