Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
