toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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