Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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