Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We just shotgunned beers for America
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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