I wish my penis had an off switch
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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