Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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