I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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