Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
