Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
