I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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