he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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