happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
