I want to have your abortion
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
