Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
