bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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