if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
...so i touched it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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