Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
