Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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