I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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