drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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