i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
