What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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