I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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