I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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