I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize