I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
