But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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